Southern Hospitality. Assholes. Happy medium?

It seems that while many here think themselves Southerners, they are not. I have heard many a claim on the Mason-Dixon line delineating the North from the South (yes, I disagree with wikipedia), but that’s a load of horse manure. While DC isn’t a bastion of assholery that NYC or Chicago can be, it definitely isn’t near the warm and hospitable South as experienced in Alabama, Georgia, North Florida, and Tennessee (Note: The further south you travel in Florida the further “north” you really are). As such I’ve decided to help people figure out where the South ends and what you can expect from the middle-folk.

From St. Augustine, FL. Far enough south to be north...

1.) Mason-Dixon Line: Traditionally, many people claim the South to be states that are below the famed Mason-Dixon Line. This line was surveyed by Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon to settle a border dispute in the old British colonies. As such, this basically puts every state below Pennsylvania in the South. This line begs the question as to whether or not you just stretch it clear across the US. One can assume you would since it was once used to mark the line between slave and free states, but that would leave parts of Indiana and Ohio in the South, while relegating some of West Virginia to the North. And where does it end? California? Texas? This just seems to not quite fit the current South.

2.) Confederate States of America: Sure, we’d all like it to be this easy, right? Just mark down all the states from the CSA as the South and be done, but are they? I’ve already established that the southern part of Florida is the North, not to mention Texas is definitely mid-west. They’re…different…and arrogant. Then, one could also count all of Virginia in the South, but further along I will argue that Northern Virginia (NOVA) is indeed part of the North now.

By this method the South would include South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, North Carolina, & Tennessee. Then there’s the question of the states with dual governments such as Kentucky & Missouri and places claimed by the C.S.A. such as: Indian Territory, New Mexico, & Arizona. Finally, one would also need to consider the border states of Delaware, Maryland, & West Virginia. Holy crap! Talk about a mess!  I think that’s just too much of a hassle and far too antiquated a method for such a demarcation.

Mmm....southern fast food.

3.) Pork BBQ & Sweet Tea: This is my preferred method for delineation. Basically it works like this: To be a part of the South the area in question must produce both of these or one in total excellence. This gets rid of NOVA, MD, WV, most of KY, MO, TX, and southern FL. God knows DC isn’t in the south according to this method. There is hardly any decent pork BBQ in this entire region, much less good. Most non-southern inspired restaurant chains also do not carry sweet tea, and if they do it’s that God-foresaken Lipton Lemon CRAP that only WISHES it could be considered sweet tea. I thank God every day for places like Chick Fil A where I can grab some decent sweet tea on the run or a REAL southern chicken sandwich (screw you McDonald’s!).

Now, since we’ve established this isn’t the South, I must say it’s not the typical North either. People in DC & NOVA aren’t complete assholes,  just somewhat. Here’s what you can expect when you come here in comparison to what you’re acustomed to.

-People will not waive when you let them over in front of you while driving.
-Some people will hold doors, most won’t (the people who do are probably tourists anyway).
-You must be semi-aggressive to merge.
-Everyone wears their hats indoors.
-Most people don’t wait to start eating until everyone is served.
-Don’t expect a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ terribly often.
-You will get strange looks when trying to make small-talk with the cashier.
-People will not acknowledge you when you walk past.
-The person that you think it making random friendly conversation with you is actually on their bluetooth headset. They now think you’re crazy.

This is just life. Sure, people aren’t as nice here, but they could be much worse. Overall, I’m loving the DC region. It has its pitfalls, but overall it’s a winner IMHO. Now, time to go make some sweet tea…